It's funny how chaos can lead to clarity. Last summer I found myself
feeling restless, bored and dissatisfied. Feeling in crisis. My body
hurt, my hypertension was returning. I was stuck in the mantra, "What's wrong with me?!"
I started looking outside of myself. I felt anger, apathy (even
worse), and dissatisfaction with my husband.
You see our relationships are
often a mirror of ourselves. How we engage in our relationships, and the “trigger
points” that relationships can stimulate, are often hidden gifts. Our reactions
to others are mirrors reflecting our own perceptions. A reflection of what is
going on inside of us. Often, things that we don't want to look at, or
acknowledge.
I was getting treated for pain. I was trying to find the root
cause. What could I blame for this misery; for this dis-ease? What’s the
easiest thing to blame? Of course it's your most intimate relationship.
My husband, the scapegoat, it must be him.
He doesn't see me. He doesn't understand me. He doesn't get me.
I'm discovering how this is common amongst us truth seekers.
Sometimes when we go on this journey of self-discovery and we are immersed in
learning all of this stuff. We get frustrated when we can't share this with our
partner. Why isn't our partner passionate about yoga, or functional medicine,
or improving the diet? Why isn't he as excited about my new inner wisdom
as I am? Why isn't he willing to engage in our new healthier lifestyle?
I think deep down we all want a soul mate. We want somebody who we
can have a deep inner connection with. But we don't always grow at the same
time. Sometimes we get so busy with our own responsibilities at work, or with
our own projects, that we can feel like we are living separate lives.
I didn't feel seen, valued or heard. I didn't feel like my needs
were being met. I wasn't getting the validation that I wanted.
So what did I do to remedy this? There were many things I could
have done. (This is when people can make really stupid mistakes.)
I did something that felt so selfish. One of my trigger points
with my husband, that makes me angry, is that he can seem so selfish. A lot of
men seem to give themselves permission to do what they want, when they want,
without asking for permission. Women, on the other hand are raised to be self-sacrificing.
We are encouraged to yield to others, to ask permission, to play well in the
sandbox and to take care of everybody else first; often at the expense of
self.
So when I started to feel lost, lonely, dissatisfied and bored. I
decided to go inward. I dug inside. What did I need to do to fill my bucket?
What is it that I truly wanted? What did I need
for me?
I did something that I had talked about (and had been asking for
help) for the last several years. I cleared out some 50 years of junk from my
basement that was taking up an enormous amount of space. I created my own
space...for me. I desperately needed my own space to dance, emote and create.
This was the most selfish act, I've ever done. I spent a lot of money. Money I
felt that I couldn't really afford, to make a big beautiful space. I kept
saying to myself, "Use it or lose it." My husband kept saying when
are you going to offer classes? How will you earn this money back? I said, “I built
this studio for me. I need my own space and time first. I need to prioritize
me.”
None of this was my forte. At one point, in tears, I asked my twin
sister for her help. When I told her I wanted to paint the walls purple, she
replied, "I hate purple. If you want me to come do yoga with you, then don't
paint it purple." I said, "So you're telling me you won't work with
purple people? You will only work with yellow people?" I risked losing her
approval. Silly as it sounds, this was actually incredibly hard for me to do. I
painted two walls purple and I love it.
After my Son-In-Law's passing, and an extremely stressful few
weeks, I came home to my little studio where I danced and cried my heart out. It was worth every penny spent. Then I wrote the blog, I'm So Grateful. Clarity and my best writing comes after clearing my head. Inspiration comes after my moving
meditations, yoga, and yoga dance practice.
This morning's yoga class was about accepting and integrating all parts
of us. The practice was on slowing down to recognize each breath and each
movement, no matter how big or small. Learning to love both the challenge and
the journey. Practicing compassion and unconditional love within each of us.
Today, I feel a newfound love and appreciation for my
husband.
Love is when all parts of you, the big and the small feel seen, heard
and valued. Isn't that what we all want? To be loved and appreciated for whom
we truly are, inside and out? Unconditionally.
So how do we have the wildest, most loving relationship with
another? We first, have to find that within ourselves. We have to rediscover
all the parts of us. This includes the big and the small and the hurt little
child within. It includes the angry child, the pent up and frustrated child; to
rediscover how to love and accept her for who she is. Love the child in all of
us, unconditionally. Then we can extend that love out and truly appreciate the
love that we receive from others. We appreciate both the big and the small
gestures.
Last week I was able to spend a lot of time with my grandson. I
was able to witness the shear delight felt from just playing with his fingers
and toes and exploring his mobility. Children are truly present where every
moment is a joyful new experience. To focus on being present is a simple solution towards finding more joy
and peace.
We cannot change others. We can only change ourselves. This is within our power. Take personal responsibility for your feelings, your health
and your happiness. Pay attention to your thoughts and your actions. Self-loving
thoughts spur loving actions and reactions.
Go inward, find simple pleasures, and give yourself unconditional
love and compassion. This will make all the difference, in all relationships in
your life.
Carpe Diem and Happy Valentines Day!
With Love & Gratitude,
Lisa
About Lisa Jackson, RN, CHC, RYT-500, FDN
Lisa is an author, inspirational speaker and coach with a mission to inspire others to feel and look their best at any age.
Lisa is part of the New Self Health Movement and the Wellness Inspired Network. When she is not coaching, speaking or writing, you can find her practicing yoga and joyfully sharing Carpe Diem Dance.
