My husband asked me what I want for Mother's Day. This is always a tough question for me. I’ve spent my life caring for others, my
first career as a Registered Nurse and then a young mother raising four
children. As women, mothers and
caretakers we are conditioned to put others needs first before our own. Many of us come from puritan backgrounds and
taught to always be selfless and accommodating to others needs. We were taught to fit in, to play well
together in the sandbox and to not compete.
But we also live in a competitive capitalistic society with high
expectations, particularly if you are from Washington DC. If you are like me, then you may have an
innate competitive nature, maybe one of your strengths is ambition and
competition. If your learned belief is
not to outshine others, to play well in the sandbox, you may work well
collaboratively while internalizing that competitive spirit. How many of us are more critical of ourselves
than others? How many of us hold higher
expectations of ourselves than we do others?
Being born a twin, in a family of several generations of twins,
competition was frowned upon. If you
want to fit in, you must be average; otherwise you risk being verbose and or
vain, both shameful characteristics. I
learned to love competition on the tennis court and yet paradoxically noticed
how if I started to win by too much of a margin, I would instinctively back
off, let the other person win a few games so that we could both feel good and
have fun together. Also interesting to
note is that I lost a couple of partners when I didn’t do this. One friend said she wouldn’t play with me
again until she got better, which so confused me. Wasn’t that the point, to play with someone
better so that you could improve your game? How do you get better if you don’t
put yourself out there and play? Sports and competition teach us a lot about others
and ourselves.
Someone called me Super Woman yesterday. I’ve been told before that I had the biggest
case of “Super Woman Complex” ever seen.
You see as women, we often internalize that competitive spirit and
strive for an unrealistic goal of perfection.
We have to look good, act good, our homes have to be spotless, we have
to always be kind, loving, compassionate and giving, with a smile on our
face. We buy the perfect gifts and
serve the perfect meals at family celebrations and then wonder why we have a
migraine headache and our exhausted when we should be happy and grateful for
all that we have. Yet we ignore our own
needs until the pain in the neck or the back or the head gets so big that we
have to stop, usually with a cold pack and in bed.
When asked, what do you want for Mother’s Day, I used to
always say, I want everyone to be healthy and happy. What I didn’t realize was that as a Mother,
I had to set the example. If I was
healthy and happy then my children, family and friends were more likely to be
healthy and happy. In fact, I’ve had to
learn that I can and must break the
puritanical pattern if I want my children and grandchildren to thrive. Sacrificing the self can not only cause “dis-ease”
in the body (as the body tries to send us messages to stop, slow down and treat
ourselves well), but it causes sadness, resentment and negative energy and pain
to those around us too.
The antidote, the
secret sauce is that self-love and self-compassion allows for self-healing, not
only for us but for others too!
It’s really taken me years to truly understand this. It’s taken a road to recovery with my
children and myself to learn this. I now
understand the profound difference between the words caretaker and
caregiver. I now understand that we
either react out of fear or respond out of love. Often my actions were fueled by fear of not
being good enough or not fitting in, instead of motivated by what would make me
feel better. I now understand that self-care
and self-compassion really is the most loving thing that you can do not only
for yourself but also for your family and your friends. That when you give to yourself first, when
you are your best first, then you have more to give to others and you attract
others to you. You attract those who
want what you have, which are ultimately more joy, more peace and more
love.
So I wish today for all Mothers a very Happy Mothers Day,
one that is filled with celebration and acknowledgement of your love and your
actions and the gifts that you have given to others. Most importantly, I wish for all Mothers the
ability to really answer, “What do YOU want for Mother's Day?" Will we love ourselves today as we love our children? Will we speak kindly and softly to ourselves and recognize and hush the harsh critic inside?
If you are challenged with this, will you schedule a
Discovery Call with me so that we can discuss how coaching or yoga dance or the
free Carpe Diem App might be a guide or support tool for you?
Go to my website,
www.carpediemwellness.org and
download my app and/ or join me on Monday morning in Vienna Virginia at 10am
for a fun joyful Yoga Dance class.
Happy Mothers Day and Carpe Diem, seize the day because we
only have this moment and this day to live life to its fullest.
With Love & Gratitude,
Lisa
